Brainwaves

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 06:17:51 GMT

soo......i am a little buzzed. yay. not. anyway...i think boys are silly and that they smell. a lot.

cant think....gonna sleep.

reading

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 03:05:25 GMT

its 10:05, and ive been taking a break from reading. though i havent been reading all day, i am already tired from it. so i am drinking a tea. gotta love that! um, i have class in 12 hours, eight of which plan to be asleep...hm.
now ive got to go finish reading, and write in that damn journal.
oh Dr. Kelly, how i dislike the journal....

tea time!

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 04:03:52 GMT

so its been a while. i like to keep it that way. so its holiday season and the ammount of food that i have consumed is disgusting. i hate that.
so the family shit hasnt changed. i dont think it ever will. whatever. um, new years. woo? not yet.
though this year's party was definately better than last. i partied it up in brampton with the guys&gals. that was the shit. i LOVE DANCING with the ppl i love. and i the morning after was kick ass, it consisted of a run to starbucks then a soak in a hut tub. oh man, i could melt.

so now comes the rant about a specic factor in my life. he shall remain nameless, though that sounds very inconsiderate, but i feel as if this is a mutual feeling i am about to dish.
we were in the same house for at least 12 hours. nothing above "hows things" was said. at least nothing that carried any actual weight. the thing that hit most was the fact that a farewell never made it my way.
i have decided that i do not want much to do with this "friendship" or so its called. there doesnt seem to be any real reason to continue it. its sad yes, to say a temporary or possible permanent goodbye to something so dear, but right now, i cant see any other solution.

dont get me wrong, it does pain me. i was the one who didnt want let go at all. and now im here making the choice to throw it away. something just doesnt fit anymore. we are too far apart to make anything real anymore.

so this is where i leave you. i dont have any words left.

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 21:41:44 GMT

so its been a while since ive updated on here...id say about 3 weeks.

um, exams are soon, so are the due dates for essays and lab reports.

i think im going ok lately. im trying to look at things differently.

i feel like going home so i can sit on my couc and drink tea with my mom and cry. i want to do that so badly.

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 20:46:56 GMT

so ive been home for about a week now. i cant wait to get back to school. so much drama here. not as much there.
in my opinion, my 18th birthday was shit. i wish i could do it over agian somehow.
kevin and i are no longer together. that akes me really upset. but i dont hate him or anything, hes just not my favourite person right now. which kills me because he was for such a long time, and now i can hardly say a word to him or lok at him without getting upset.

but i went to his hockey game today, and im going to the party tonight too. ill see how that goes.
i really envy the way he can behave after we break up. its as if nothing happened to him at all. he seemed o fine today...which bothers me.

i dont think ill be able to understand how he can change his "heart" like that anytime soon. one day he still loves me, and the next, he doesnt.

anyways, i have stuff to get done before commencement at 7. well not really, but i need to cheer myself up. somehow.

whatever.

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 00:16:55 GMT

im a couple weeks into classes now. everything seems to be going alright when it comes to schoolwork.

-i am meeting new people and forming some friendships
-becomming familiar with my surroundings is getting easier
-not getting over the fact that i do not get phone calls.
-starting to go to bed at decent hours
-missing home-cooked food, real food.
-missing the family
-really missing the boyfriend
-wishing i had a car and my liscence
-listeing to music that doesnt remind me of better, happier times.

my daily routine is starting to seem normal.

turning off my light at night to go to bed makes me sad inside, because i know that in the morning i wont have to fight for the tv remote, the last fruit cup, the longer shower, or the phone time.
all of that is up to me now.

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 16:40:43 GMT

i just had my first lecture. i have to say that it was pretty sweet. the class is linguistics, and i dont think ill mind having it monday mornings at 9 till 12. no bad so far.

later on i have psychology. that should be very intersting, seeing as i am not in a class, but a theatre! it holds something like 300+ students...

the professor is given a microphone...so hopefully it wont be too difficult to hear what s going on. i plan on getting there early to get a decent seat.

i am hungry, so i am going to go eat lunch.

:(

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 02:55:23 GMT

it is thursday night, almost 11pm. ive been at school for 4 days. moving in wasnt too bad, everything went smoothly. it was the good-byes on sunday night that were particularily heartwrenching. i dont think ive cried so much before. i get sad now, as i type this, jsut thinking about how much i wasnt to see Kevin again, or even talk to him on the phone. i miss him so much. i miss my mom, my aunt, my grandparents, my sister and the rest of my family.

my shedule is alright...everything is spread out pretty decently.

i feel sad. going now.

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 20:37:31 GMT

4 days to go.
well 5 if you count today.
i packed some of my clothes today.
doing as much laundry as i can...
must have everything clean.
dishes have been done twice already.
put and bed in a bag back into its bag...

i feel like a kid who lost her list of things to do before school starts (at the start of summer) then turned around and found the list on the back of her bedroom door.

how much time do we really have?

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 02:38:11 GMT

ive been thinking....i am really going to miss all of you when i am at school. i will no longer be able to do the things i normally do.
like:
-walk to my aunts whenever i need to.
-spend endless hours with kevin.
-sit in my room just thinking about anything, surrounded by all my favourite things

the night before i left to go to my dads..it took me a good 20 minutes..if not more to say good-bye to kevin.
and its only for six days...and im home in 3!!! i never like saying bye to him...and knowing id see him in 6 days didnt make me feel any better.
going to school and not being able to see the guy i care about at any time is going to be really hard on me. and him, i hope. not that i want him to be miserable...but i want to know that we will share the same sort of pain..you know?

so anyway, i still have tons of packing to do when i get home. im seriously not ready.
parts of me are...and others, well here i am now.

i almost feel like id give anything to be able to stay home and live in shelburne just a year more
-id go back to horrible IGA
-i want to know my baby sister
-i want to know my cousin
-i want to spend more time with kevin. god ill miss him.
-i want to mkae sure my sister is ok.
-i want to build stronger friendships
-i want to paint my own room.

i think i need to stop
im about to cry.
ugh.
- xo

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 18:14:23 GMT

Today is August 21st. I move out September 3rd.
That's in 13 days. I go to my dad's house on Thursday,
and return on Tuesday.
So i have the rest of today...tuesday and wednesday, then next wednesday, thursday, friday and saturday.

That adds up to 6.5 days.
within those 6.5 days i still want to spend time with loved ones
go shower shoes shopping
get to # 101
have enverything i need

there is probably more, but i cant think of it.

i am really going to miss everyone
my mom and the new baby
my sister
my aunt and uncle
my step dad
kevin
amanda
those two mostly. other than my mom.

i have to go and let my aunts dog out.

Ewoks on Acid

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 16:28:25 GMT

so there is no more IGA. thursady was my last day. it was an okay shift, but saying good-bye to people ive seen 5 times a week for the past year was saddening. ill be back to visit though.

dont get me wrong. i am so glad to be gone. no more shitty customers or bitchy bosses.

i decided to colour my hair this morning. my roots were horrible...so now its all dark. pretty much my natural colour. i really like it

today my mom is taking me to go bedding shopping for school. and to get other random storage stuff.

i filled out my bursary application today...yipee.

later im going bowling...last time it was fun, so this time will be even better!

well ive got nothing else left.
i just wish there was more time left. thats all really.

AUGUST 18th.....

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 15:39:27 GMT

so i went to my Trent orientation yesterday. the actual orientation aspect of the trip was fantastic. the tour was wicked...the choosing courses was really good.

then there was the lecture about finances. at this point i despise financing. completely.
the fact that i have yet to file my application for OSAP is horrible enough on its own.

so then we were told tovisit the FEE CALCULATOR. so i do. and i try to put my information in...and the page does not allow me to enter such info. i even logged out twice and tried again. so ive stopped the procces for the time being. so i dont destroy my home computer.

and computers are another thing. i dont have one yet for school
AHHHH!!!!

i must go. i need to stop stressing. its making things more difficult than i feel they should be.

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 03:05:48 GMT

today is my moms birthday. this year i think i got het a pretty awesome gift. i filled a pitcure fram with 3 sections in it with pics from when i was little. they are photo booth pictures of my mom and me.

she got all teary-eyed when she opened it. i got her some flowers too. and a card of course. but i love the pictures. they remind me of being a kid with my mom. and all the cool things we used to do before anything interrupted us being together.

i think maybe those pictures are a reminder of that for her aswell. if i get a warm feeling inside when i look at them, im sure she does too.

so that part of teh day was good.

amanda came over today too and we watched about an hour of room raiders. it was the best.
i got her a Happ August present. it sis a friendship stone. its a glass stone thing with dried baby flowers in it. its cute.
>>>just a little trinket to remind her that im not really going anywhere when im at school.

i havent talked to kevin in 2 days, and its making me upset. we are playing phone tag...right now...im it..and im trying to cath him.
he left me a message today after i called him, but i was at work. so i called him back, but hes most likely in bed seeing as its 11:00 and he is working in the morning.

damn i miss that kid. a lot actually. *sigh*

oi vey

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 23:03:27 GMT

so far...ive been watching tv all day...well not all day...but whatever.

and most of teh shows are about telling people how you feel.

all this i love you. why???!!!

i wonder if it is a sign. maybe i should just get it over with. not that telling anyone you love them is something to do just because...but i feel like i cant take it anymore.
im sad when he leaves.
i never want to hang up the phone.
i want to hug him forever.
i get worried when i dont hear from him.

i know we are on the same page, but are we in the same paragraph?

if anyone has any pointers...feel free to assist.

Why is it so....

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 21:17:20 GMT

a general question for the public: why is it so difficult to tell people you care.

ive sort of come up with a theory. and that is rejection. everyone is afriad of getting rejected. and not just in relationships.
- in school applications...people are hesitant because of fear.
- in job shopping...people are hesitant because of fear.
see a connection?
- in driving...some do not because of the fear of failing the test.
- in personal goals...people are afraid of letting themselves down. again.

but now we get to the interesting part. rejection in relationships. that scares the hell out of me, and i am sure that it does the same to most others.

i want to know why i cannot bring myself to tell someone i care so much for that i do not want to lose them. every moment i spend with this person i feel comfortable. more comfortable than i have ever felt in any other relationship.i can do things with this person with far more confidence than i ever imagined. i am always thinking of ways to tell them how much i care.

then of course the fear of rejection kicks in. i am so scared that this person will feel overwhelmed and want to run away from me.

....now im stuck. im so caught up in thought to the point where i cant even type.
so this is it.

ive fallen. hard, and without a helmet.

SWEET !!

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 00:32:22 GMT

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i want a piece of peace, and you've already given me a taste

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 14:37:05 GMT

lately things have been alright.
i am working decent hours, and i still find that i have time to myself.
i kind of wish i had more hours...
that means less time to dwell on things that i'd rather not think of.
i've found a good book. it is about Cleopatra.

but theres always one thing that makes everything seem perfect, even if its just for a moment.
>>>>>>>>>you.<<<<<<<<<<<
i swear that i could lay beside you all day long and i wouldnt need anything else.

school is comming faster thatn i want it too. this summer should last forever. i dont ever want it to end. i mean that.
summer should be full of:
-swimming just because
-weekly ice cream stops
-lying on hills, making pictures out of clouds
-sleeping all day because you feel like it
-pies made out of bacon, potatoes and cheese
-camping with friends
-sitting outside drinking tea
-watching movies that remind you of being a kid, and how simple most things seemed to be

i have to say that this summer is my favourite so far.

thank you
<3

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 16:01:32 GMT

Jacqueline Louise Pennock's Aliases

Your movie star name: Chocolate Stephen

Your fashion designer name is Jacqueline Amsterdam

Your socialite name is Jack-o-lantern Shelburne

Your fly girl / guy name is J Pen

Your detective name is Dog Heartlake

Your barfly name is Apple Screwdriver

Your soap opera name is Louise Meadowland

Your rock star name is Swedish Berries Cheetah

Your Star Wars name is Jacjas Penkev

Your punk rock band name is The Content Transfiguration

The Amazing Meganame Generator

Sun, 28 May 2006 15:41:18 GMT

Driving around lloking at 'fog fields' has to be the best passtime I've come across in a while. When you actually llok at it, fog it beautiful. Or at least full of beauty. Green fields coated in a thick mist that screams mystery. It's the best.

I should start a log of my favourite 'fog fields'.

- xo

Phuket !

Thu, 11 May 2006 01:26:07 GMT

so saturday is that day that amanda, kevin and i are suposed to go to brampton to see a play at my old school. so originally kevin was suposed to drive us, and then it turns out he cant. so then i ask my mom if she could...but then she said she cant...and she knew we were going. then i asked if rob could use his work car to go to wherever they have to go, but they cant use it. so that means we are left without a car to get to brampton on saturday and back.

i need to figure something out! i must get to brampton!!
the only other way is if amamnda drives, but i dont see that happening. its sad. i dont want to miss this.

shelburne and its distance from brampton really pisses me off!

Sun, 07 May 2006 21:08:29 GMT

the weekend has passed so quickly. and i havent even done that much, or at least is seems like ive done nothing. friday night, i think i just watched a movie at home. then saturday i worked, cut out my dress, and hung out with amanda and kevin. after that, kevin and i thought of crashing a local buck & doe party.

today is pretty relaxed. ive been transforming into a vegetable slowly. but not for long, as i am going to work for 6.
i did have homework to do, but i am not doing it. last weekend i didnt have a moment to myself, so this weekend i am not doing anything that i dont have to do. but i will give homework some thoughts, as i ave a presentation tuesday.

well its time to go. have to eat before work. and let boomer out.

bye.

Fri, 05 May 2006 21:12:54 GMT

So it's Friday!!!
It was a good day.
-I got a free muffin
-James burnt me a copy of BEATLES #1!!
-I'm not working!
-Cass is doing to her dad's
-Talked to Kyle <3
-Steve is back
-Kevin and I are apparently twins...
-I ate a very good lunch today.

That's it really. Not a lot, but it was a good day.

moving on? maybe....yes....no?

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 03:06:04 GMT

my title for tonight pretty much explains my brain for the past while.
there was this little....let's call it a misshap.....there was this little misshap a while ago between me and some guy. the hopes i had before said misshap were pretty good untill just after it. ever since the misshap, ive chosen to try and move on....move away from this guy i though was worth while. turns out i was wrong, but its okay. its not the first.

haha. that "not the first" is such a familiar phrase. you would have had to be right there to understand....

ive come to the conclusion that this guy isnt worth all the effort i was putting in, especially if nothing i did paid off. from the outside, that statement must sound pretty bad..and selfish. but if anyone knew how long i have liked this person for, and how much i dreamt of something special....they would understand.

on a good note....there are a couple other guys who may ave sparked my interest. i think i'll just play it cool, and see how it goes. maybe.

thats the opperative word. i think i need to get out there. but im nt quite sure.
usually, things go wrong, and then i get discouraged.

alright. enough blabbing.

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 03:01:30 GMT

its finally easter weekend!!
this four day weekend is what i need. i have time do do whatever i please, which is good. beside the fact that i had to work friday and today the weekend is going pretty good so far. on thursday i made blue cupcakes with purple icing and sprinkles....and then my ultimate peanut butter cookies!! with easter coloured M&m's!! those didnt last very long in my house...good thing i hid half of the bunch!

what else....i went shoe hunting ion the mud yesterday. Crystal lost her shoe in the mud..alright "lost" is an understatement. the mud swallowed her shoe! im surprised the mud didnt swallow her!!! so we went out there to get her shoe back and she almost lost the boot she was wearing. we ended up covered in mud. i have to say it was pretty fun. especially dumping a bucket of muddy water on my sister after she tried to put my face in the bucket. that should teach her!!

today and yesterday at work was so crazy. all people all the time!!!! and the amougnt of people calling to see if we were open that day was getting pretty annoying. IF I ANSWER THE PHONE, WE ARE OPEN!!!
geeze! i felt like a broken record, all the repetition going on. but i guess its better that alliterations.

tomorrow everyone is comming up. well grandma and grandpa at least. iain is making lamb, and we are making a ham. the grandparents are bringing dessert. and i am going to make an easter cake whether they like it or not.

well i think thats it for now. i should really find out when my deposit for Trent is due....

bye!

oh...and i get this random e mail from a person who has screwed up their chance with me. wherever they thought that e mail would get them...i have no idea..but its not very far. in my books anyway.