Brainwaves

soo......i am a little buzzed. yay. not. anyway...i think boys are silly and that they smell. a lot.


cant think....gonna sleep.

its 10:05, and ive been taking a break from reading. though i havent been reading all day, i am already tired from it. so i am drinking a tea. gotta love that! um, i have class in 12 hours, eight of which plan to be asleep...hm.
now ive got to go finish reading, and write in that damn journal.
oh Dr. Kelly, how i dislike the journal....

tea time!

so its been a while. i like to keep it that way. so its holiday season and the ammount of food that i have consumed is disgusting. i hate that.
so the family shit hasnt changed. i dont think it ever will. whatever. um, new years. woo? not yet.
though this year's party was definately better than last. i partied it up in brampton with the guys&gals. that was the shit. i LOVE DANCING with the ppl i love. and i the morning after was kick ass, it consisted of a run to starbucks then a soak in a hut tub. oh man, i could melt.

so now comes the rant about a specic factor in my life. he shall remain nameless, though that sounds very inconsiderate, but i feel as if this is a mutual feeling i am about to dish.
we were in the same house for at least 12 hours. nothing above "hows things" was said. at least nothing that carried any actual weight. the thing that hit most was the fact that a farewell never made it my way.
i have decided that i do not want much to do with this "friendship" or so its called. there doesnt seem to be any real reason to continue it. its sad yes, to say a temporary or possible permanent goodbye to something so dear, but right now, i cant see any other solution.

dont get me wrong, it does pain me. i was the one who didnt want let go at all. and now im here making the choice to throw it away. something just doesnt fit anymore. we are too far apart to make anything real anymore.

so this is where i leave you. i dont have any words left.

so its been a while since ive updated on here...id say about 3 weeks.

um, exams are soon, so are the due dates for essays and lab reports.

i think im going ok lately. im trying to look at things differently.

i feel like going home so i can sit on my couc and drink tea with my mom and cry. i want to do that so badly.

so ive been home for about a week now. i cant wait to get back to school. so much drama here. not as much there.
in my opinion, my 18th birthday was shit. i wish i could do it over agian somehow.
kevin and i are no longer together. that akes me really upset. but i dont hate him or anything, hes just not my favourite person right now. which kills me because he was for such a long time, and now i can hardly say a word to him or lok at him without getting upset.

but i went to his hockey game today, and im going to the party tonight too. ill see how that goes.
i really envy the way he can behave after we break up. its as if nothing happened to him at all. he seemed o fine today...which bothers me.

i dont think ill be able to understand how he can change his "heart" like that anytime soon. one day he still loves me, and the next, he doesnt.

anyways, i have stuff to get done before commencement at 7. well not really, but i need to cheer myself up. somehow.

whatever.

im a couple weeks into classes now. everything seems to be going alright when it comes to schoolwork.

-i am meeting new people and forming some friendships
-becomming familiar with my surroundings is getting easier
-not getting over the fact that i do not get phone calls.
-starting to go to bed at decent hours
-missing home-cooked food, real food.
-missing the family
-really missing the boyfriend
-wishing i had a car and my liscence
-listeing to music that doesnt remind me of better, happier times.

my daily routine is starting to seem normal.

turning off my light at night to go to bed makes me sad inside, because i know that in the morning i wont have to fight for the tv remote, the last fruit cup, the longer shower, or the phone time.
all of that is up to me now.

i just had my first lecture. i have to say that it was pretty sweet. the class is linguistics, and i dont think ill mind having it monday mornings at 9 till 12. no bad so far.

later on i have psychology. that should be very intersting, seeing as i am not in a class, but a theatre! it holds something like 300+ students...

the professor is given a microphone...so hopefully it wont be too difficult to hear what s going on. i plan on getting there early to get a decent seat.

i am hungry, so i am going to go eat lunch.

it is thursday night, almost 11pm. ive been at school for 4 days. moving in wasnt too bad, everything went smoothly. it was the good-byes on sunday night that were particularily heartwrenching. i dont think ive cried so much before. i get sad now, as i type this, jsut thinking about how much i wasnt to see Kevin again, or even talk to him on the phone. i miss him so much. i miss my mom, my aunt, my grandparents, my sister and the rest of my family.

my shedule is alright...everything is spread out pretty decently.

i feel sad. going now.

4 days to go.
well 5 if you count today.
i packed some of my clothes today.
doing as much laundry as i can...
must have everything clean.
dishes have been done twice already.
put and bed in a bag back into its bag...


i feel like a kid who lost her list of things to do before school starts (at the start of summer) then turned around and found the list on the back of her bedroom door.

ive been thinking....i am really going to miss all of you when i am at school. i will no longer be able to do the things i normally do.
like:
-walk to my aunts whenever i need to.
-spend endless hours with kevin.
-sit in my room just thinking about anything, surrounded by all my favourite things


the night before i left to go to my dads..it took me a good 20 minutes..if not more to say good-bye to kevin.
and its only for six days...and im home in 3!!! i never like saying bye to him...and knowing id see him in 6 days didnt make me feel any better.
going to school and not being able to see the guy i care about at any time is going to be really hard on me. and him, i hope. not that i want him to be miserable...but i want to know that we will share the same sort of pain..you know?

so anyway, i still have tons of packing to do when i get home. im seriously not ready.
parts of me are...and others, well here i am now.

i almost feel like id give anything to be able to stay home and live in shelburne just a year more
-id go back to horrible IGA
-i want to know my baby sister
-i want to know my cousin
-i want to spend more time with kevin. god ill miss him.
-i want to mkae sure my sister is ok.
-i want to build stronger friendships
-i want to paint my own room.

i think i need to stop
im about to cry.
ugh.
- xo